Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Love beats all barriers!

"Have you gone mad? Polygamy is in their religion, and in a few days he will have another woman in the house. Then you will come back to me, crying".
This was what my friend's mother said to her when she confessed in front of her parents that she is in love with a Muslim guy.
"Sikhs & Muslims-are you even in your senses"?
asked her dad. Not that she was surprised by their reaction, but still, she was totally shaken.

She has been in love with this guy since 4 years. Through these 4 yrs span, she had many times doubted her instincts and has several times gotten out of the relationship. But the love has been stronger than the social barriers, and sooner or later they got back together. Now when her parents started looking for a guy for her, she realized that she had to do what she had feared all this time-talk to her parents. After talking to them, she is once again not sure what she is getting herself into. Would she fit in there, would they accept her, would she have to convert...and so many more questions are popping up in her mind. She has talked to several people about this, and has been getting different opinions/advices.

All these yrs she has been talking about this to me and now she is seeking an advice. She said that I should know better since mine is an inter caste marriage too. But I told her, that my situation is a lot more different than hers. I got married into a Hindu family (when I am a Sikh). I think Hindu & Sikh religions are so much intermingled, that hardly any differences exist now. Ever since I have been married, I haven't even realized that I have been married into a Hindu family. Both the religions are so similar in beliefs and rituals.

I have known the guy she loves since 4 yrs also and I could say for sure that no other man would keep her as happy as he would. At the same time I do understand that both the religions are very different. But I don't think that marriages between a Muslim and a hindu/sikh don't work. I personally know atleast 3-4 couples who were in same situation, got married and are just as happy. BUT in all these cases, the girl is Muslim and the guy is sikh/hindu. What my friend fears is that the Muslim religion is a lot more rigid than any other religion and since she will be becoming part of that religion (rather than the other way around), would it really work?

All I can say is that, there would be a lot of adjustments required on her part (and also on the guy's part), but if they are truly in love (which they sure are), no religion barrier could mess up anything between them.

posted by mannat @ 6/29/2005 01:02:00 PM  

28 Comments:

  • At June 29, 2005 2:05 PM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    Inter-caste/religion marriages.. hmm .. always a hot seat in our society.. and likely to continue that way.. while I will not single out any caste as being rigid or anything..

    I have this to say.. This is a 4 year affair, as you said ur frnd thought about this and still couldn't get over her love.. and has discussed this with her lover and he is a really nice guy.. then she should go ahead and get married... Rigidness is in one's mind and not in castes and religions..She should listen to ur heart.. if she feels she is right and will be happy .. thats the gr8test thing to happen...

     

  • At June 29, 2005 3:10 PM, Blogger mannat said…

    I totally agree with you Vivek. But really, it's easy said than done. Both the girl and the boy don't want to act selfish and think only about themselves...they r concerened about their families too. And now let's face it. Our generation is much more open on such issues than the older generation.
    She should listen to "ur" heart??????????? I would assume that's one more typo from your side. But yes, she should surely listen to "her" heart and she will continue talking to her parents and try to convince them. If that doesn't work, she would have to face a tough situation...but I am sure, in the end, it will be all good.

     

  • At June 29, 2005 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Mannat!!. How are you?.

    Inteeresting post!!, as you said if the love is true no barriers can stop. No matter what!!.

    Btw, nice template Mannat. :) Loved it. Summer sunshine sunflowers. Enjoy!!.

    Adios.

     

  • At June 29, 2005 6:03 PM, Blogger mannat said…

    What's up, Govind? Aap tou abh nazar hi nahi aate. Better get back to the zest of blogging soon.
    Thanks for liking the template.
    And yes, u r right...love knows no barriers!

     

  • At June 29, 2005 7:10 PM, Blogger test said…

    bhai .. no comments.. i dont know what to say .. this is very peculiar situation.. to be very frank the religions are very diff.. and girl have to adjust to muslim religion.. i dont know .. whats their adjustment .. if the girl would have been muslim and guy hindu it would be a different scenerio..

     

  • At June 29, 2005 7:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dekho sacrifices toh ladki ko hi karni padegi..and first of all, she should ask the guy himself what his expectations are of her once they are married...is he expecting her to convert? is he expecting her to do and accept all Muslim laws and rituals? Including polygamy?

    Meri bahen..meri cousin jo meri bahen hai Mumbai main...woh ek Muslim ladke ke saath pyaar karna shuru kiya tha...sab kuch kiya usne...itna ke non-veg khaane lag gayi...par phir aakhir main usne socha ke woh ladke ki wajah se woh apne ghar walon ko nahi chod sakti thi (my mamaji was not ready to accept this guy as his son-in-law). Rishta meri bahen ne tod diya, aur aaj woh ladka Dubai jaake koi aur ke saath shaadi kar bhi lee.

    If the girl is ready to make the sacrifices -- and there will be many...then there is no problem. But ultimately she needs to know the expectations of her own husband-to be.

     

  • At June 29, 2005 10:31 PM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    Poonam.. its not neccessary tht girls need to sacrifice always.. it could be mutual too...

    mannat.. sorry .. I was so involved typing the comment tht it led to another typo.. it shd be her heart..

    "" easier said than done"" ..
    this is where the 4 yrs of love comes in.. they sure wud have thght abt the religion etc.. and still they r in love after 4 yrs.. there shdn't be any barrier at all.. then...

    personally.. I wudn't like to disappoint anyone.. so I wud think be4 I love someone whom I may not marry or atleast if I realise it early.. I wud see to it that this is taken care of in the beginning.. 4 yrs is a long time..and "concerned abt families.. " shd have been taken care of earlier itself..

    at times we have to make tough decisions in life... then so be it... life will eventually even out...

    U can't expect to have all the things going in ur favor..

     

  • At June 29, 2005 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't totally agree Vivhyd - (hello by the way :) ).

    Anyway, the girl does have to do most of the sacrificing. Who has to leave her home? The girl. Who has to adapt to her husband's culture? The girl. Who has to make the sacrifices? The girl.

    Sorry to say, but that's how it works. What sacrifices is the guy making? Hmm...other than adaptation with his wife, I don't see much or any. He, on the other hand, will have it easy -- unless of course, he is willing to let his wife practice her religion and let her live the way she wants to live (which I hardly doubt will happen -- even in this case).

    Trust me, the girl has to make the sacrifices. My own situation is an inter-CASTE marriage, we aren't talking even religion, and you wouldn't believe the talks I got from my parents and relatives to ensure that I know that once I am married I am going to have to make the sacrifices in order to adapt to Neeraj's family and their riti-rivaaj. :)

    So there you go. I would think that this friend of yours should have an idea what her husband-to be is expecting from her (they must have talked abt. it in the four years that they have been together), I just hope that she thinks through all the way. :)

     

  • At June 30, 2005 7:56 AM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    Hello to u too poonam.. now it sounds better.. with the most of the sacrificing.. ur last one looked like all the sacrificing.. thts wht I meant..

    well with the guy.. u have assumed that the guys would force the wife to follow his religion.. may not necc be the case.. depends on the guy.. if he is broad minded.. he will not let religion come in b/w his marriage life.. they cud follow both religion..

    so their chidren cud do the same.. he cud visit both gurudwara and mosque.. looks like we have so many intercaste marriages here :)) nice 2 knw


    and I was saying the same abt the 4 yrs.. thts a long time.. we can only hope the husband doesn't thinkly different than a lover.. (as usually happens in many cases)

    PS : Looks like we need to pass thru some kind of security check be4 reading ur blog.. poonam

     

  • At June 30, 2005 8:18 AM, Blogger Deepak Jeswal said…

    Interesting topic, but sadly cannot comment much on it as I havent seen inter-religion marriages at close quarters. In any case, every couple is different.

    Can only wish your friend all the best.

     

  • At June 30, 2005 9:17 AM, Blogger test said…

    Poonam I agree that girl have to make most of the sacrifices but now my point is its more difficult for a guy when he gets married and gets his wife home .. see the house in which a guy is living already have a system.. and a new member comes in who have been through a different system all her life at her home but she have left that home and have to adjust in this new environment if she does that .. its great but if she doesnt the life of guy is like hell.. and i mean it .. he have to see his wife cry and have to listen from parents too...

    I would say inter-caste is okay ..not much a problem.. but Inter-religion depends on how much devoted you are to your religion and how do u , ur family , ur social circle accept the other religion..

     

  • At June 30, 2005 9:18 AM, Blogger mannat said…

    Manish, I know, it's hard to comment on such a topic....u just can't imagine what would you do if you were in the same situation. And I do agree, the religions are very different and a lot of adjustment would be required-but from both the sides.

    Poonam...not really. I don't think the sacrifices should come from only the girl's side. C'mon...gone are those days when the girls had to go through all the hardships after the marriage. Yes, do agree that the girls have to make more sacrifices than the boy...but if the guy is understanding enough, he too would have to make a lot of adjustments for a happy marriage. In this case, the guy doesn't want her to convert. But he did say that his parents would agree ONLY if she is willing to convert. But my friend is adamant on not converting and she has said that after marraige she would continue following her religion as well his religion. As far as the polygamy is concerned, I totally doubt if a guy who has been in US since last 8 yrs still believes in such things.

    Vivek...yes, the sacrifices should be mutual. But, with the norms set up in our society, the girl has to go through more hardships...especially in terms of leaving her house, etc. And believe me, noone wants to disappoint anyone...but when love happens, you really don't think about all such things. It's only down the road when the time comes, you realize that you have sunk so deep, that neither could you sink more, nor could you get out-so someone is bound to get hurt...unless things work out in your favor.

    Poonam...many guys would let the girl practice her own religion after marriage. My brother is married to a hindu girl, and she has been practicing her religion since the past 4 yrs. I have been married to a hindu and I have been practicing my religion along with my husband's religion after marriage. So I really don't think guys these days care. If you are in love, religion really does not come between you---unless ofcourse the guy is totally orthodox. And yes, my friend does have an idea of what the guy's expectations are. But that fear of unknown is lingering in her mind. She doesn't know how his family would react to her after marriage and all that other stuff...you know what I mean??

    Vivek...yeah, too many inter-caste marriages here...:) And yes, you are right...many times as a husband the guy would be entirely diff than what he was as a husband. You just have to keep your fingers crossed and take a plunge:)

    DJ...now c'mon...a writer like you should be able to comment on any topic even if you haven't been actually exposed to the situation:)

     

  • At June 30, 2005 9:29 AM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    mannat.. finally u have done it!! u have a typo too..
    //And yes, you are right...many times as a husband the guy would be entirely diff than what he was as a husband//
    it shd be lover.. :))..

    but u r rite.. with the keep ur fingers crossed and take a plunge thing.. u have made a choice.. hope its the right one!!

     

  • At June 30, 2005 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi VivHyd -- ya its due to personal reasons with my family that we have to put up the password protectedness. But once you are in, you don't have to login again (unless u change computers :P ). So do come by -- i will get you in quick.

    Now back to the post. :) I missed the part Mannat that the guy has been here for 8 yrs. So agree on the polygamy.

    Now what a situation. Husband says that she doesn't have to convert, parents say that she does have to convert. Husband can't explain to parents? Or they are just going to live the way they want to live? Assuming parents are not in US, right?

    Now as you said earlier, your situation is still different. Hindus and Sikhs, even in religion and rituals, are not that diffrent. Muslims way of living is really different. One of my bhabhis' in Mumbai is Muslim..and again, if the girl being Muslim, guy being Hindu, is still a different situation, and easier.

    But definitely in this situation, the girl will be one who will be pressurized to follow her husband's traditions (especially when she goes back to her in-laws house in India or wherever they are) more than her husband will ever be. But Mannat, I don't agree that the time is gone where the girl hasn't to sacrifice..

    Good post..all the very best to your friend!

     

  • At June 30, 2005 9:35 AM, Blogger mannat said…

    Mani...well, said...that is depends a lot on how much an individual is devoted to his/her religion. But again, where there is love...everything changes. Like I mentioned earlier, my brother is married to a hindu (a brahmin) and my bhabhi was one devoted religious person before (and also) marriage. But my brother has really never cared that she still follows her religion...does all the rituals relating to hinduism...and neither have my parents cared. She respects both the religions, and follows both the religions. As far as I am concerned, I have not been a very strict devotee of sikhism...But the thing is that if you have been bought up following a particular religion, it gets embedded in you and becomes a part of your identity. The real problem comes when the guy wants the girl to give up her religion and just follow his religion. That's when the girl has to make real adjustments...and I am sure many of them do that for the sake of their love.

     

  • At June 30, 2005 9:50 AM, Blogger mannat said…

    Vivek...theek hai theek hai....now I have been at work since 6 in the morning...I am exhausted...thus the typo:) And as far as taking a plunge, I think my swin is a sweet & smooth...I have got a very understanding husband and great in-laws...

    Poonam...you didn't miss that part...I never mentioned it:)
    Parents are in India and the girl and the boy are going to be in US...but they plan on moving back to India...still they won't be staying with the parents since the parents live in a very small town and none of them would find a job there:)
    Poonam, believe me, in many cases the guys are getting very understanding and don't expect the girl to make any sacrifices. But like I said begore, due to our traditions, etc...some sacrifices are just required.

     

  • At June 30, 2005 10:06 AM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    Poonam.. I guess I went thru the security check.. hope u don't find any weapon on me!! .. do visit my blog too.. its a free world and I am as liberal and democratic as anyone can be.. so no security check.. so go ahead and bomb me!!

    mannat.. I guess u slept so little .. no wonder the typo :)))

     

  • At June 30, 2005 10:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Vivek, I have approved it. You can enter at your convenience. ;-)

    Well once you enter.. you can search for "password protected" and find out why we had to do it..its temporary..and will be removed hopefully in two months.

    Well Mannat, I hope that you keep us updated on how it goes for your friend after all this discussion. :)

     

  • At June 30, 2005 10:23 AM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    Poonam.. thnx.. gotcha.. now I knw why it is that way..(tht is if I think wht I think is the reason)

    Mannat.. ya do let us knw.. now next post please.. any other frnd with any other problem?.. we are here to solve it!!

     

  • At June 30, 2005 10:37 AM, Blogger mannat said…

    Chalo Vivek...good that u have gone through all the security clearance, etc. Now you better be good, since you went to Poonam's blog through my blog...:)
    I will definitely keep you updated on how it goes. I talked to her last night and as of now, her mom is coming to US now and she is sooo worried that she will force her to go back to India with her. So lets see. I hope all goes well for her...she deserves it.
    Vivek...well, luckily none of my friends have any such problems.....and will put the next post soon...

     

  • At June 30, 2005 10:47 AM, Blogger Vivhyd said…

    Yes Mam.. I shall be a good boy!!!

     

  • At June 30, 2005 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Everybody that comes to Mannat's blog is well worth coming to my blog...so no tension @ all Vivek. :)

    Good I am glad to see you understand our reasoning on the security. ;-)

    So her mom is coming to US? Wow. That should be interesting to see. I hope it works out for her so that she, your friend, is happy. All the very best to her! :)

    Yup ready for the next post! Enjoy the last Thursday before the long weekend. ;-)

     

  • At June 30, 2005 10:58 PM, Blogger mannat said…

    Vivek...good!
    Poonam...thanks for the good wishes for my friend.
    And u too have a nice long weekend...my sis is coming over so I am gonno have a blast!!!

     

  • At June 30, 2005 11:25 PM, Blogger Deepak Jeswal said…

    Izzat afzaai ka shukriya!

    BTW, I did write a story on inter-religion marriage "THE RIOT" (the link is there on my blog on the right hand side under 'stories by DJ') . But there the situation was also diff - muslim girl with hindu boy. The story is about this religiously liberal couple who are caught in a Hindu-Muslim riot... and how their buried insecurities about religion come out ... what i wanted to say in the story was that there will be times in life when the religion will pose a question mark!

     

  • At October 30, 2005 1:19 PM, Blogger *~mad munky~* said…

    just passing by :o)

    been looking for blogs that mention marriages seeing as i'm in the middle of a battle with my parents right now...over someone who is the same religion as me - but different caste *sigh* :o(

    lovely flowers, though! ;o)

     

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